Dr. Kevin Barrett: Conspiracy theories: A modest proposal

by Sass Cuntstein, Information Czar and Constitutional Scholar Extraordinaire. In my previous article "Conspiracy Theories: Causes and Cures," I argued that conspiracies, especially the ones that are not true, pose a growing threat to Western civilization in general, and to people like me in particular. I pointed out that since  9/11, a veritable tsunami of conspiracy theories has been racing toward the American shore, threatening to wash away everything we have accomplished. Clearly, something must be done. My earlier article, published in the Journal of Political Philosophy, proposed a number of remedies for the conspiracy disease. I argued that some day, the government might have to ban conspiracy theories. Yes, I now realize I may have overlooked a minor matter called the "First Amendment", but we Constitutional scholars cannot be expected to remember every little detail we learned in k law school, can we? I also recommended that the government should immediately begin to "cognitively infiltrate" conspiracy groups, in order to disrupt them with "beneficial cognitive diversity." But wouldn't you know it, those paranoid conspiracy theorists imagined that I was proposing that the government conspire against them! What is it about "cognitive infiltration" and "beneficial cognitive diversity" that these people don't understand? The conspiracy theorists also had a field day with my assertion that the government ought to "disable the purveyors of conspiracy theories." In their paranoid fantasies, they imagined that I somehow meant them harm. Nothing could be further from the truth! I most certainly do not want to harm the purveyors of conspiracy theories. I want to kill them! Bwa-ha-ha-ha ha! The critics of my earlier article were right about one thing: I did not always make my meaning clear in simple, plain English. I wrote that way for a couple of reasons. First, I chose to publish it in a prestigious law review, and we all know that the only way to get published in academic journals is to dilute your prose with a lot of indecipherable gobbledegook. But more important, I chose to write it in code, as my mentor Leo Strauss always insisted. Since the truth is too dangerous for the masses, one should always write at two levels.