Olivia Nuzzi: Let's Use Boy Scouts to Secure the US Mexico Border!

The following is a satirical piece. There's been a great deal of talk about the Boy Scouts lately, due to a leak late last month, which uncovered plans for the organization to review its "no gays allowed" policy. I'm still not clear, as to what the Boy Scouts do exactly. I know it has something to do with "character building" and tree forts, and selling Christmas wreaths, but none of that seems particularly useful to me. What are the Boy Scouts doing for America? On Super Bowl Sunday, President Obama called on the Scouts to lift their ban on gay members. Still, they have decided to delay their final decision until May. Because April showers bring gay flowers, or whatever. "Not so fast, Obama" have said Right Wingers. More than 40 conservative organizations ran an ad in USA Today, pressuring the Boy Scouts to "stay true to their timeless values, and not surrender to financial or political pressures by corporate elites on the issue of homosexuality." "That's some pretty heavy stuff," sighed 9 year old Tommy, who said he was just in it to learn how to build a pinewood derby car." So what are the Boy Scouts doing for America? Assuming the answer to that is nothing, it must be asked: If the Boy Scouts don't actually do anything, why don't we use them to secure the border? I mean physically use their bodies as a human fence. "The Boy Scout Fence," if you will. I know, I know, that's crazy! But is it really? Think about it. The Boy Scouts of America love America. The word America is right in there in their official name. As of February 8th, the Boy Scouts of America have been loving America for 103 years. According to conservative logic, to love America is to loathe illegal immigrants, who march into town, looking to steal the jobs nobody else wants to do. So why not really stick it to Obama, by not supporting the Boy Scouts in their doubling down on "timeless values," bit by doing what he won't do by securing the border with "The Boy Scout Fence"? I say we line them up, and let them get the job done, armed with their Swiss Army knives and can do spirit. There are 2.7 million members, and 1 million adult volunteers in the Boy Scouts, and with the US Mexican border at an estimated 1,933 miles long, that means we could have 1,914 Boy Scouts per mile, with each Boy Scout or adult volunteer protecting his own 2.75 foot space!